I Can See Clearly Now...

"I can see clearly now..." - The boy is gone!

Remember that guy I was talking about? Yeah, my best friend?
G-O-N-E.

I've been doing a LOT of thinking- and looking deep into my heart. And you know what I've decided? This guy isn't the one for me! I've known this the entire time! Curse these hormones and their tendencies to block common sense!

I mean, there's no reason to explain why.
There is no way that I can look anyone in the eye and say, "Yes. He could be the one. I can see myself someday dating and marrying this guy- having kids- buying a house- enjoying our lives together- etc, etc." Nope. No, no, no. Can I see us years from now, all old and gross, and still be best friends? Of course! But best friends don't have to live together- have jobs- kids- buy a house- enjoy every second together- etc, etc.

It's time to start focusing on what's really important in life!
Like... losing weight... getting good grades... being independent.

NOT LIVING ALONE WITH FOUR CATS IN A TRAILER PARK UNTIL I DIE... OR EVER.

Boy + Girl = A Mess

I had this "friend"... (Don't all stories begin this way?) We officially met while painting for our theatre department in high school. Afterwards, the group went out to pizza. We exchanged numbers. We spent some time together.

Badda-Bing. Badda-Boom.

And, for a while, I thought this guy was perfect. I mean, finally, a friend that totally understood me. He got all of my jokes. We never got tired of each others company. Movies, mini-golf, pizza. We spent hours just talking and talking. Honestly... I had fallen for my best friend.

BIG. MISTAKE.

First off, guys and girls can't just be "best friends". Keep that in mind. There's always deeper feelings that are coming from one of you.

So, obviously, he liked me and I kind of liked him. But then I got a boyfriend (That's a story for another day). Then he got a girlfriend. Then I broke up with my boyfriend- he broke up with his girlfriend. PRESTO. We were both single- AGAIN... And hanging out all the time.

We were back to that time before all of the confusion and relationships. Just "best friends" again. But, unfortunately (or fortunately), those "feelings" I talked about earlier? Yeah. They resurfaced.

I could feel myself getting closer to him. There was that time when I laid my head on his shoulder at the book store. Or that time when we almost held hands while at the midnight premiere of Transformers 3.

Now, we were best friends. We knew everything about each other.

Unfortunately for him, that means that I know some pretty deep stuff about his life (of which I'm not going to share online- even if I am venting).
But for me... my life is uneventful. At least in the area of "dark secrets". Oh, I don't always floss! That would be a terrible secret to tell. BORING.

Now, my best friend had told me how he felt about me. I knew all of it. I'd heard the speech so many times. So whenever the topic came up... I was prepared.

What I wasn't prepared for? The confession of my own feelings.

The week before my senior year, I found out that my family was moving all the way across the country. So, we left... As I was leaving, all I could think to myself was how moving was a good thing. My best friend could move on. I wouldn't have to deal with the emotional roller coaster.

But after about a month away... I realized that I wanted that emotional roller coaster. Of everything to miss- I missed my best friend. And how I didn't want him to move on. I couldn't sleep at night. So in the middle of the night, I sent him a text about how I felt about him... (Yes. LAME.)

So, where does that leave us almost 5 months later?

CONFUSION!

No, no, no. No relationship. Long distance never works.

A planned trip to see each other? He backed out because of lack of money. (After he went out and bought a snowboard, and a hammock, and a recording microphone.)
My birthday came up and he bought me a present! ...But forgot to send it until I finally reminded him 10 days later.
He said he was going to come visit me out here this summer! ...Now it's always "hopefully".

Just getting him to pull through on a good Skype chat for 10 minutes is like pulling teeth. He offers, and then magically runs out of time.

There are so many problems with "us". As best friends, we're perfect.

But as to anything more... I have no idea. We're complete opposites right now. We're looking for different things. I want a relationship, to get married, have a ton of kids, have a career, go to church every Sunday, live my dreams, have a good life.
And he wants to date around for a long time, eventually settle down, have one or two kids, go camping every weekend, be totally involved in sports, and still have a good life.

Maybe only time will tell. My head is telling me that this guy isn't good for me.

But my heart? My heart can't seem to let him go. No matter how hard I try.

The Search

I've lived in South Carolina for a total of 14 weeks.

Before I moved, my life was full of excitement. I spent more time out of the house than in it. That's right- social butterfly status times ten. I had friends around every corner. Really. There wasn't one person that I didn't know, or that didn't know me. And if that wasn't the case, I didn't have a problem making conversation to change that.

I had promise. I had possibilities and connections.

WELL... That's surely changed. My life here is consumed of cleaning and doing homework. My typical weekend consists of sitting at home and watching tv. Not very exciting. But, the problem is, I enjoy it! I mean, I've only been invited out with people once, but I hated it. My day would have been better if I just continued sitting at home writing a paper. ...SO PATHETIC.

When I left Arizona, people kept telling me: "Don't forget who you are. Don't lose yourself."
I thought that advice was stupid. But, coming here, I've realized that I really have lost who I was. I'm not the same person at all. So far, there's only been one person I've talked with that I feel I can be myself around... and he's not even in this state! Let alone this side of the country! (But that's a post for another day... ;) )

I look at other people who have moved and they seem to have a TON of friends where they are. I haven't even seemed to find ONE real friend here... I mean, I talk to people. Don't get me wrong! I'm definitely not a loner! But I don't have anyone to REALLY talk to and spend time with.

"It takes time..."
Well, I'm pretty much at the halfway point of my time here. I don't think the friend status is going to change any time soon. ;) But we'll see, won't we?

-Molly

In the Beginning...

To ever journey, there is a beginning. This just so happens to be mine.

Yes, this blog is going to be my outlet. Have you ever started writing about your day and realized how things could have gone COMPLETELY differently? Well, this is a way for me to figure those things out.

Recently, meaning 3 months ago, but it still feels like yesterday, my family and I moved from Arizona to South Carolina. Not only was it across the country and away from friends and family- it's my senior year of high school. You can imagine the joy on my face when I found out.

Living here as been a struggle, as you will soon find out. Through these posts I plan on telling you a little about my past, what I'm doing to handle it now, and how I hope my future will turn out. I don't know if anyone will read this... but hopefully, one day, some teenage girl will read this and say to herself, "If Molly made it through, so can I."

Until tomorrow...

-Molly